Saturday, February 19, 2011

Self worth

I've been struggling with this for quite some time now and it's getting worse.
Last year I had a job interview for the first time in many years and was struck by this realisation: I don't believe in myself anymore. In my darker times I think of myself as a loser! The one who never made anything of herself.

I don't know how this happened. But I do know it goes hand in hand with being a "housewife" (for want of better word). I shouldn't feel like this. I have a loving and encouraging husband. My children love me and depend on me.
It is so important to me that as my children grow and develop they have the belief that they can reach great heights and nothing within reason is out of reach. Am I conveying that to them when my own self worth has dwindled to next to nothing?

When I was performing I sang to rooms of people on a regular basis. I wasn't phased. I knew I was good. People liked to hear me sing. It was a great feeling.
Now I find that I'm constantly trying but getting nowhere - I guess that I feel I no longer have anything to offer. I'm naturally a creative person and find it difficult that I'm unable to make a living from that creativity - I have that silly feeling that money = success.

I'm not sure why I'm writing this. Letting off steam helps a little. And I would love to hear from anyone who finds themselves in the same situation or has been through it. I hope it doesn't sound like a "will someone please feel sorry for me?" post - that isn't my intention.

Thanks for listening :)

7 comments:

Tas said...

Oh Kel. I remember quite some time ago feeling mediocre. Went on for weeks and I could not even get out of bed without tears. I recognise now that it was an episode of depression but I still have this underlying feeling that I am just so ordinary or worse. In spite of havine a Uni degree. In spite of being a mum to a wonderful family. In spite of being the only one in a group of friends with creative talents. I have never had self confidence and daresay, at my age, that isn't going to change lol. But I don't think that my kids are seeing it because whatever I think to myself, I don't verbalise it. Don't have any solutions at my end but I do understand how you feel. And I never knew that you sang. Do you miss it? Is it something that you can do again?

Rose and Ivy said...

I think we all have moments of self doubt- A few years ago I realised that every single person's low self esteem stems from the simple idea of "I am not good enough." For some it could be how they look, others how much people want to be around them, others how capable they are-- the list goes on and on. I think it is one of the tests of being human. Hang in there!

Clodagh a.k.a. Isra said...

Kel I can relate to your post. I always feel inadequate I didn't use to but over the years I find myself doubting my every move and decision. I use to love cooking now I wait for the rejection, I use to be able to hold a fairly intelligent conversation but these days I don't want to embarrass myself or others. I fear I won't be smart enough to help with my childrens homework , oh the list goes on and on.

Then is takes just one moment, a hug, a smile, an act of unconditional love and I feel validated again. So maybe I have given up on me a little and yes the day will come when my kids don't think I am best thing since sliced bread but for now I need to enjoy the moment.

You were a singer? How wonderful. What a wonderful creative outlet.

A big hug from across the wide blue ocean. xxx

clare's craftroom said...

No this isn't a be sorry for you post it is a very reasonable way of letting out . I do understand totally and I wish I had some wise words for you I'm sorry I don't .
The only thing I could say and I hope I'm not out of line is that you need to be kind to yourself because you are worth it !
Anyway I did pop in to say thankyou for your lovely comment on my blog the other day , I really appreciate it . Take Care .

baukje said...

I think hardly everyone has this moments of selfdoubt. I am a very 'list' woman. So on these moments aI sat down with a cup of tea and some chocolats and I make a list of things I am good in. Also a list of my doubts . I don't know how it works, but writing it down helps already. I did not knew you are a singer, what a pity that we cannot hear it through your blog.....

Dani Castley said...

I can so sympathise with your feelings, and I went through a little self revelation myself. For me it hasn't been so much about my abilities .... I am back in the workforce now, and that has a way of testing and affirming your self worth at the same time. No for me, its about how I look. I realised that even though I am over 40, I still carried the hurt of my childhood, of being never thin enough, or pretty enough .. of always being second best. Look at this revelation as being a good part of your ongoing growth. You have identified something in your life that makes you sad, and now, you have the opportunity to change if you can, or accept if you can't. We evolve as adults ..... its good to understand the process.

tinsenpup said...

Homeschoolers...we tend to take on so much; educating our children, keeping things ticking away at home so our partners can keep the money coming in; part time jobs; the creative pursuits that keep us sane, then we feel disappointed that we can't do more/better. I think most of us go through it.

You're very creative and very talented. It must be frustrating to not yet be able to make the money you deserve from your work.

I wish I could offer solutions instead of sympathy. All I can say is, I know the feeling all too well.